When I got to thinking about the confluence of Valentine's Day and craft beer, two ideas sprang to mind. One was a fairly derivative idea to write something about beers with a Valentine's/general "love" theme. The other made me kind of afraid, so I decided to go with that... because unless it's bees, I'll always kind of gravitate towards the thing that makes me a little a-scared. The idea? A takedown of the old beer forum chestnut: "How do I get my girlfriend/wife in to craft beer?" The fear comes in because this very question is going to force me to take a long, hard bath with myself, as I must ask... have I engaged in the very behavior that I'm about to deride?
First disclosure... I really believe that there's a beer out there that any given person would like, because beer is not a singular entity of taste. Even in individual styles of beer, there's so much variation that the names are almost meaningless. But I think saying "I don't like beer" is almost like saying "I don't like food". It may be very true that the person in question may not like 90-95% of beers, but when you look at everything there is out there, all beers only share but on quality that I can think of. They're all liquid. Beyond that? Anything goes.
That said, there's always been something kind of... icky to me about the idea of forcing beer on someone and hoping they'll come around to your way of thinking, and you'll have a significant other and a drinking buddy all wrapped up in one. It ain't going to go down like that, Billy. If someone expresses an interest, that's fine. But it never sat well with me, the implication that something about a person needs to be fixed, and you can "get" them to like craft beer. Especially because I've never seen these threads directed at men. It's always women. Part of that is because the people posing the question are self-selected as people in a relationship with someone that doesn't like beer. There are plenty of beer drinking couples out there, and there are many, many women that love and make craft beer. So it almost feels like this question, to the extent that it's asked so often, betrays yet more beer-world misogyny... or at least a willful blindness. If having a girlfriend that likes craft beer is so dang important to you, break up with your "broken" current, go to more craft beer events and try to (respectfully) get to know some of the women that will surely be there. But before you do that, please hit yourself in the head with a baseball bat.
Now on to the problem of... well, myself. I'm a sharer. There's nothing I like better than sharing a good beer with someone, and that goes especially for a situation where I have something I think they'll like, but they've never had. I don't think it's problematic at all to say that it's just a great feeling to turn someone on to something that they end up loving. This kind of process may require a bunch of duds, too. But where's the line? Some failures are fine when the other party is willing and able to try much of what you put before them. But is it still ok when that person is your girlfriend, and a girlfriend who has mandated she doesn't "like beer"? Is it made better when, in fact she's had many beers that she actually did like in the past, and you're trying to find something new for her that she feels the same about? It gets pretty fuzzy somewhere in there if you ask me.
The above was pretty much the exact situation in my last relationship. I was with someone that reminded my silly, too-willing to share self that she didn't like beer on numerous occasions. In my mind, without saying this is justified or not, there were beers she did like. Some she had even bought on her own in the past. And true, these are beers that fall outside of the malts/hops Venn Diagram that represents most of what's out there. We're talking, of course, about the beers that usually answer the ""How do I get my girlfriend/wife in to craft beer?" thread. Lambics and fruit beers. So it would come about that every time I had something that didn't really "taste like beer", I'd offer her a sip. And 99% of the time I'd strike out, followed by the reminder that she didn't like beer. There were a few moderate successes, but it probably doesn't excuse the insistence.
What's tough for me is examining my motivations. I don't think I ever believed I would make her a full convert. I also would like to think that it's possible I was just trying to share something I loved with someone I loved, even if it was a small corner of that thing. But that answer makes me look too good and somewhat blameless, so I'm apt to reject that one outright. Maybe it's my sharer nature. Maybe she happened to be the person I was around the most when I had beer. But most probably, and this would fit in with the fact that I occasionally would pick up a single bottle of something because I thought she'd like it (always with the declaration: "try it, and if you don't like it, I'll drink it.")... it's probably that I was seeking credit or approval. Credit for finding something someone else likes, and the approval of someone who just doesn't understand my love of beer that there are exceptions out there. At this point, I think I have to declare myself part of the problem.
While I'm not as bad as some of commenters out there, I don't think that means I'm "good" by way of comparison. Heck, if "I'm better than the internet" is your metric, you, me and everyone we know are living saints. In truth, the fact that I can take step back now and note that I would probably do things differently is a big, red flashing indicator. And yeah, while I would like to have a girlfriend that at least liked craft beer, to say that would be anything other than icing is a slippery slope (see what I did there?). Am I also going to require that she loves video games? Because that's another sexist internet can or worms. How about anime? Etymology? Puns? Polar Seltzer? If you so long for someone to share something you love, where you do draw the line? The simple answer would be to reject the idea of drawing a line at all, because you don't get to draw it. They did that for you long before you even met them.
Here's some advice you're probably not asking for (ironic, I know). Share what people are willing to take. If you love beer so much, and your partner is interested in trying some here and there, fine. If they don't want to try it, that's fine too. If they enjoy the stories behind beer, maybe you get to tell one of those once in a while and share your passion in that way. If they're bored by it. that's fine too. What I'm saying is that people are different, and that doesn't make them something that you need to fix. Maybe you can just recognize that they enjoy that you have a hobby that gives you joy. If that's not enough, I would suggest a counselor, because you're really missing what makes a relationship special.
But seriously, if I have to read one more forum comment that says women have different taste buds than men...
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